The Difficulty of Anonymity

Didn’t my Lord deliver Daniel,
Deliver Daniel, deliver Daniel?
Didn’t my lord deliver Daniel,
Then why not a every man?
He delivered Daniel
From the lion’s den,
And Jonah from the belly of the whale,
And the Hebrew children
From the fiery furnace,
Then why not every man?

No matter the reason or rationale I use to explain why I choose to keep my Gayness (is that politically correct?) a secret I am still caught in a web of lies.  I lie to my friends.  I lie to my family.  I even sometimes lie to my boyfriend.  Most of all I lie to myself.  The one and only being who really knows the true me is God.  Since beginning the process of discovering who I am sexually I have spent hours on top of hours begging God to help me through this journey.  Sometimes I feel as if God has abandoned me because I have no one to really talk to.  I only have one true Gay friend and thats my boyfriend.  I have straight friends but I can’t tell them the truth now.  While I love my Boyfriend with all my heart, sometimes I need someone else to talk to besides him.  Who do I talk to when I need to process something pertaining to him?  Who do I talk to when he drives me crazy?  Who do I talk to when I just need to vent and think things through with someone other than my him?  I need God to deliver me from the secrecy that I hold onto so tightly.

Anonymity protects me from having my secret identity  revealed to my friends, family, colleagues and adversaries; however, at the same time it also forces me into an emotional solitary confinement of sorts.  Indeed I embarked upon this journey understanding that secrets bring isolation, loneliness, and anxiety; however, I did not know just how difficult it would be to remain in the shadows.   I did not know that I would have so many unanswered questions.  I did not know that I would have so many hopeless moments.  I did not know that I would struggle so much through this journey.  Life has spoiled me rotten!  I have never struggled in the way that I struggle now; how sad is it that I feel as if I am struggling in solitude.  I smile everyday.  I pray everyday.  I read the bible everyday.  Everyday I try to consider myself normal, ok, cool- fine.  No matter what I cannot be fine!  No matter how much I try to be alright I am not!  I hate the lies!  I hate the secrets!  I hate the anticipation of one day being outed before I am ready.  Most of all I hate my fear of honesty.

I realize that only God can prepare me to feel free enough to open myself emotionally to the idea of telling people who I really am.  I am enslaved by my secret and I need deliverence.  Not the deliverence that foolish conservative Christians call for- I like men- PERIOD.  I am Gay!  Get over it!  I can not change.  I was born this way and I refuse to try to force myself to be something I am not to make other people feel more comfortable.  I need God to deliver me from my secret.  From my fear.  From my worry.  From my anxiety.  I need God to tell me “Everything is going to be alright!”  I need the holy spirit to swoop into my life and comfort me in my isolation.  I know that God can do it because I know the bible!  I remind myself that I was made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).  I remind myself that I was wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139:14).  I remind myself that I am chosen by God and part of God’s royal priesthood (1 peter 2:9).  I remind myself that through everything I face in life I will be more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37).  I remind myself that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). Sometimes it seems no matter how much I pray and remind myself of God’s promises I do not feel God’s response.  In those moments I stop praying (feels like its not working anyway) and I start wishing.  I wish that my feelings towards men would go away.  I wish that I was not Gay.  I wish that I could just wake up and realize that it was all some crazy nightmare.  I wish I could just get married to a woman and be normal.  I wish I could just stop thinking about ass and penis.  I wish God would just make everything alright!

Eventually God replies- Isaiah 43:1

But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.”